Chuck Norris On The NBA Off-Season

Written by Erik

Tuesday, 14 July 2009 23:05

chuck_norris No this article is not overdue. It took some time for Chuck to hand it in and I was not about to tell him he was late. You tell him.

*Editor's Note: This article was supposed to be edited by Erik, but he took a round house kick to the head as Chuck Norris was submitting facts about himself and Erik was never heard from since.

Yes, Chuck Norris is everywhere! Even in the NBA's off-season transactions, early rookie performances, and free agent acquisitions.

Here are some Chuck Norris "facts" and how they are reflective of the NBA and whatever the heck is going on this off-season.

Chuck Norris Fact # 1: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. - This must be kind of how Allen Iverson feels as he sees all of these supposedly lesser named NBA players get snatched up and signed to lucrative deals in front of his very eyes. A.I. must not be sleeping. He's waiting.

Chuck Norris Fact # 2: Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31 to April 2; no one fools Chuck Norris. - The Minnesota Timberwolves should have hired Chuck as a draft consultant before getting fooled and wasting their pick on some kid who might just decide to stay in Spain anyway.

Chuck Norris Fact # 3: Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one. - This is probably what best describes the Memphis Grizzlies in their hunt for a "solid" power forward and winding up taking Zach Randolph off the L.A. Clippers' hands. They should have asked for a double whopper instead of a player who can eat several.

Chuck Norris Fact # 4: It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes. - This is what the Cleveland Cavaliers ended up doing by trading for an aging Shaquille O'Neal with the hopes of keeping LeBron James in the "long term." Go figure.

Chuck Norris Fact # 5: Chuck Norris has been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. - This is why packaging Ryan Anderson instead of Yi Jianlian in the Vince Carter deal will lead to the Nets having as many fans left as there are signs of life on any planet Chuck Norris has been to.

Chuck Norris Fact # 6: Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. - Must have been what the Blazer exec who was on the other end of the line when Hedo Turkoglu told him that he was signing with Toronto and not Portland.

Chuck Norris Fact # 7: When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say Please." - When the Minnesota Timberwolves said "We want to rebuild with rookies from the 09-10 Draft", Ricky Rubio said "I think I might have to stay and play in Spain un poquito mas."

Chuck Norris Fact # 8: Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors. - Blake Griffin just decided to conduct this class himself in the Las Vegas Summer League. 27 points and 12 rebounds was pretty impressive, but sorry kid, the LVSL is not the NBA nor do you look anything like Chuck Norris. Good Game though.

Chuck Norris Fact # 9: Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make him drink. - Is this what the Phoenix Suns think they can do by signing Channing Frye to a 2-year deal or did they just sign him because they know their Amare-peddling talks are not getting them any closer to getting him to resign with them anyway?

Chuck Norris Fact # 10: Chuck Norris can speak braille. - Hopefully, Amare Stoudemire can dunk braille if the word on the street is true that his eye injury is taking its sweet time to heal and that he doesn't want to wear goggles. Sheesh! No wonder Phoenix is slow in making moves to secure his future with them.

Chuck Norris Fact # 11: Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.- Kind of how the way Mark Cuban has decided to wait on Jason Kidd's retirement and offer his NBA career some overpaid longevity in the process of giving him that 3-year deal.

Chuck Norris Fact # 12: Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes. He disembowels them. - Chuck Norris's clothes chucknorrisapproved know nothing about being disemboweled compared to the Milwuakee Bucks' roster. They trade Richard Jefferson. They give up on Charlie Villanueva. And now they are dilly-dallying on signing Sessions... Disembowelment for the loss. Lottery team, anyone?

Chuck Norris Fact # 13: One a high school math test, Chuck Norris down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test, because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. - It's not that the L.A. Lakers had any problems to be solved. Heck they're the defending Champs. So what's the deal with signing Violence (I mean, Ron Artest)? Just in case they face the Cavs in the finals this season, they now have someone to slug (I meant "defend") LeBron James.

Chuck Norris Fact # 14: China once bordered the United States, until Chuck Norris round house kicked it all the way through the Earth. - Yao Ming's foot is not healing. His pro-basketball career might be in danger. Artest defects to the Lakers. Houston replaces him with the young Trevor Ariza. Talk about getting round house kicked all the way through the Earth... ouch! Houston, I feel ya baby. Rebuilding time.

Chuck Norris Fact # 15: Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. - This is going to be a bloody season for fantasy basketball. Things will really be heating up as we approach the ominous 2010 season. Injuries will always be there. Transactions, signings, and blockbuster deals will make many a fantasy team manager want to pull out his hair. Who knows, Chuck Norris might just start his own NBA team and LBJ, Wade, Bosh, Nash, and Amare will all sign up, just so they don't get round housed in the nuts.

Some Chuck Norris Facts as read by Chuck, himself:

Here are some NBA-centric, Chuck Norris-related facts:

Chuck Norris once won the NBA Slam Dunk Contest by participating in the three-point shoot out. Someone forgot to tell him that "shoot out" meant with a basketball.
If the NY Knicks hire Chuck Norris as an assistant coach, LeBron James will join the franchise in 2010.
If Superman wears a set of Chuck Norris pajamas, then Michael Jordan wears Chuck Norris shoes.
Chuck Norris once clapped so hard for an NBA team he was cheering for, a referee called a flagrant foul on him. That was the last that was ever seen of the said referee.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 2,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls it a "Slow Tuesday".
If the round house kick was a fantasy basketball category, Chuck Norris would be ranked higher than Chris Paul and LeBron James combined.
Spurs trade for Jefferson... Cleveland trades for Shaq... Orlando trades for Carter... Lakers sign Artest... Celtics sign Wallace... and yet it's CHUCK NORRIS who will win this season's NBA Championship!
Chuck Norris once blocked Dwight Howards dunk in the Amway Arena as he was reading an email all the way in his home in Oklahoma.
Eddy Curry doesn't have a good fantasy ranking, not because he's a terrible player; it's just that Chuck Norris not that into him.
NBA... where Chuck Norris happens.

Editor's Note: Just so I don't get round house kicked nor sued, Points in the Paint would formally like to declare that Chuck Norris had no real participation in this piece and this article was written purely for informative and entertainment purposes.